It appears that Andrew Lee has finished the Zerg Campaign in Starcraft. Amusement follows.

Overmind: Greetings underlings. I’m so cool I shit ice-cream. And I’ve got a new toy - this super important mega-death weapon thing that’s currently breeding in a Chrysalis. It’s a big big secret what’s inside but when she pops out, she’ll lay the smackdown on everything! I’m not telling anyone what’s inside the chrysalis so it’ll be a total surprise when she awakens. Also, since hot babe Kerrigan just died in Chapter 1, it can’t possibly be her. And if it is her (which it’s not), it’ll be such a cunning plot twist that you’ll wet yourself.

It’s like totally important that this Chrysalis thing is protected. So, amongst all my legions of creatures, I am going to choose… my most young and inexperienced Cerebrate to protect it.

All the other Cerebrates: Erm… boss… you sure about that?

Overmind: Of course I’m sure! I’m the Overmind! Okay… so little young cutie teacher’s pet newbie Cerebrate, there’s a few things you need to know before you begin your life as protector of the chrysalis… are you ready?

Newbie Cerebrate: Yes boss.

Overmind: Ok. This… is a drone.

All the other Cerebrates: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Overmind: And when you have enough minerals, you can build a Pwning Spool.

Newbie Cerebrate: Minerals… Pwning Spool… Got it.

Cerebrate Daggoth: Things sure are dull now that Overmind is cuddling Newbie over there. Hey Zasz, can I ask you something?

Cerebrate Zasz: Sure Daggoth.

Daggoth: So, we’re like masters of evolution right?

Zasz: Yeah.

Daggoth: So we can evolve from little larvae things to become anything at all right?

Zasz: Yeah.

Daggoth: So, we could look like… I dunno… Jessica Alba… or the Asian chick from Battlestar Gallactica… but instead we look like pulsating grey pieces of shit.

Zasz: Sucks dunnit. Anyway, that’s why Overmind nabbed Kerrigan. He’s been totally getting into Japanese tentantacle porn…

Daggoth: …

Overmind: And then you right click and build a Hydralisk Den. That let’s you build Hydralisks. That’s why it’s called a Hydralisk Den.

Newbie: Hey boss. I’m grateful that you’re taking the time to explain all this to me. But it’s been like 15 levels now and I think I’m ready to do a bit more. How about we push the storyline a bit.

Overmind: Ok. Go kill Terrans.

Newbie: (Kills Terrans)

Overmind: Go kill Protoss.

Newbie: (Kills Protoss)

Overmind: Go kill renegade Zerg.

Newbie: (Kills renegade Zerg) Script writers took a break on this chapter huh?

Overmind: yeah. Go kill more stuff till the Chrysalis thing hatches.

Newbie: Okay.

Raynor: Hey, I’ve been having these wacky dreams… as if Kerrigan were calling out to me. But I know that’s impossible because she died in Chapter 1.

Zerg Kerrigan: Hi everyone! I’m back. It was me in the Chrysalis. How cool and unexpected was that!

Everyone with IQ over 7: Shit me a brick! We all just wet ourselves!

Raynor: Oh my God. Sarah! What have they done to you?

Zerg Kerrigan: I’m a Zerg now. (wins Most Obvious Statement award)

Raynor: Well, I’ve still got a hard-on for you. So…are we going to bonk or are you going to kill me?

Zerg Kerrigan: Well, I want to kill you. But some strange lingering emotion inside me compels me to let you go. Some emotion stronger than any Zerg power over me. I… I don’t know what it could be. Leave Jimmy. Leave now.. before it’s too late. Must… control… (but how about we get together in the expansion set)

Raynor: Ok. Bye.

Zeratul: I’m an invisible Dark Templar Protoss. No one can see me and I’ve got this cool Jedi Lightsabre! I’m hunting Cerebrates… Charrge! (kills Zasz)

Zasz: Arrrggh (dies)

Overmind: Shame about Zasz. But when Zertaul shoved his light sabre up Zasz’s ass, I connected with Zertaul’s mind and now I know where the Protoss Homeworld is! Suck that Zeratul.

Zertaul: Bugger. (runs away)

Overmind: Cool, let’s go invade the Protoss Homeworld. The most important thing there is the Khaldarin Crystals, the source of all power!!! Since this is the most important thing ever after protecting the Chrysalis, I’m going to pick the Newbie Cerebrate again to take control of all my forces. Newbie, go to the Protoss Homeworld, steal the crystals and then kill all the Protoss there.

Newbie: Hey big boss, can I ask you a few questions?

Overmind: Of course my little cupcake:

Newbie: Well firstly, in Chapter 1, Mensk and Kerrigan turned on that one Psi-emitter rubics cube and “Zerg from across the galaxy” were lured to it. So how is it that the Protoss Homeworld, filled with 10 billion Psychic Protoss, is completely invisible to us?

Overmind: Err…

Newbie: And then there’s this thing about the Khaldarin Crystals. We only just found out about the Protoss Homeworld five minutes ago when Zeratul shoved his sabre up Zasz’s ass and you looked into his mind…so how is it that we know all about the Crystals and exactly where they are, so much so that we’ve set up a big friggin’ Neon Lit beacon over the beacon saying “BRING DRONE HERE”. But the Protoss, who have lived on the planet since forever AND who have a special upgrade called “Khaldarin Amulet”, don’t have a clue about the Crystals?

Overmind: Shut the fuck up. Now, go steal the crystals. Just look for the beacon.

Newbie: Yes boss. (steals the Crystals)

Overmind: Now do the Crystal Thing… and I can plant my fat ass down on the Protoss Homeworld. YEAH!